It's hard to get myself to do anything these days. My first reaction is denial, followed by disbelief, then lastly procrastination to the max. It's ridiculously hard to keep a straight head and focus because time does not wait for you to recover from other stresses in your life. I am soo scared for my midterm but I cannot bring myself to study...which is why I am writing this entry...along with feeding my facebook fish and drinking a ton of energy drinks. Before, when the going gets tough, I am always able to pick myself up and carry across before collapsing. Now, I do not even want to think about making it. It'll just happen like it always does and I will move on eventually. This madness needs to stop.

I need to do some soul searching soon.

I've been rather bad at organizing this semester. It's the third week of school and I still don't know when all my professors' office hours are or what I'm going to do with my life. I haven't even declared anything yet. Life is a puddle right now and I'm learning to accept it being muddy for now. There are a lot of things I don't care about..then there are things I should care about. I'm deciding whether I should make those suggestions a reality, though I really don't think I have any more capacity.

School - 19 units; ASUC - UGMP (add 4 units); Sorority - not too bad actually; UCB Optometry center - ?? hours of my mornings doing studies; Cal predental society - 4 events and every single meeting...I don't know about this one.
=too much to do in too little time

I'll manage somehow...as I always do every semester. Driving to Oregon/UW this weekend put a dent in my schedule and I am now behind by a few hours of studying and cramming; however, sending off my cousin to school is a big event and I do cherish the time we spent together. I also bought a UO shirt! First midterm coming up this Friday and I hope I'll be ready by Thursday. More reading and analyzing to do before I can say that I'm ready to take the test.

There's no time to rethink about decisions I've made in the past or present. I am half way done and I need to make the most of each semester. College is coming and going way too fast. What is this nonsense?!

I remember the days when I was truly satisfied with myself.
Not anymore. All my efforts seem useless and distracting. What had gone wrong? Who knew?
Semester after semester, I am drenched in tears.
Ready to dissolve.
Let this cruel world take what's left of this empty heart.
I've got no more energy it feels.
No longer will I long for the unreachable.
Yet I still hunger,
For one day, I believe it'll be mine.
Silly fool indeed,
but what am I if not realistic?
Alas, it's time to break the news
How absolutely disappointing, even more to them.
This, I fear
Their hope crushed for what?
My silliness.
So surreal yet so true
What have I done?